Humor: Things Nigerians Are Fond of. (Part One)

I never for once question myself as to why I am a Nigerian. The beauty of we Nigerians is the way we are always ‘suffering and smiling’. No matter how things get, there is always a reason to smile. That’s for another day. Well, after intensive survey, questioning, observations and brouhaha, I have come up with this list of interesting attributes and facts (and a tint of fiction) this great country and her citizens possess.

1.       Football Fever; Nothing brings this great country together like the game of football. In fact, in 1967, the two factions involved in the Nigerian Civil War agreed to a forty-eight hour ceasefire so that they could watch Pelé play an exhibition game in Lagos. Yes, you read it correctly…Nigerians paused the Biafran war in order to watch a soccer match and afterward resumed the war. Can you imagine? If you still do not understand how seriously we take this sport, do research on the reaction of our president. The disgusted President Goodluck Jonathan threatened to suspend the national team after the most recent Olympics. What more can I use to prove my point other than the ‘gifts’ the Super Eagles received upon winning the recent African Cup of Nations.

2.       Rhetorical or not?; Nigerians, over the years, have demonstrated an inability to identify when a question is rhetorical. Sometimes they identify one but in the true Nigerian nature of wanting to have a say in any and every matter, they answer the question.

Let’s take this scenario as an example;

Girl: "Are you a good football player?"

Guy: "HMM. Is Kola Nut bitter?

           Is Suya Very Sweet??

          Does Goat Meat Require Chewing stick????"

Girl: "yes, of course."

Guy: *blank stare*

I’m sure most are confused right now, don’t worry, you are proudly Nigerian. The Nigerian rhetoric is a thing of great annoyance yet very funny and beautiful in a way only a Nigerian can acknowledge.

3.       African Time; In pretty much any culture, accomplishments like birthdays, graduations, and weddings are cause for celebration. These celebrations involve people, music, food and gifts but there are certain signs that will let you know that you’ve just walked into a Nigerian function.

Now let’s assume that this celebration starts at 5:00 P.M., if you are a Nigerian, then you know 8:30 P.M. is around the time showers are being taken. Now it’s about 9 o’clock and the MC is arriving right on schedule. You never know how he will look when he arrives. Some have on traditional wear, but if this is a graduation party, he most likely wants to relate to the younger audience so he has on his basketball hat that was purchased from Wal-Mart 10 minutes prior, a black t-shirt with FUBU across the middle, khaki shorts, and of course cotton black socks to match the shirt and ‘pams’. The MC talks in the microphone throughout the function about what’s happening next while attempting to keep everyone entertained. Now that he’s arrived he picks up the party program so that he can study and prepare what he is going to say. The MC knows that he needs to say UHHHHHHH at least 72 times and other fillers that he can repeat over and over again like ‘this is a joyous occasion’

Maybe you are not familiar with Nigerian society and got to the function at the time stated on the flyer. For that I apologize, because I know as soon as you walked in you were confused and probably thought you were in the wrong building because no one was there yet. Well at least no Nigerians have, there may be some white and Asian families looking wide eyed/lost/confused as well. Just be patient, you are in the right place and you’ll start to have fun in a few hours (but not before you’re forced to help set-up the tables and chairs).